A while ago in a posting that I labeled “A Book Of Laws” I wrote as one of my hidden beliefs regarding myself that, “Thou shalt never be good enough– intelligent enough, attractive enough, worthy enough.“
Though I know better, I’ve also let that little voice in my head that has made that belief so real throughout my life also convince me that I can’t let others know that this is one of my beliefs because beliefs like these show weakness. And a weakness if expressed would then make me vulnerable to all sorts of judgments and abuses by others. To keep this belief covered up I’ve painstakingly created a mask that shows the exact opposite. The problem is that the mask isn’t me, or at least the me I’ve convinced myself of, so regardless of the accolades and acknowledgments that the mask has gotten, I don’t get much satisfaction because you see I “know” it’s all fake–just a cover.
Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that the real me is the negative thoughts about myself that I’m hiding, au contraire–neither is the real me. I’m buried behind a covered lie–a mask behind a mask if you will.
Over the years I’ve let the words of others as well as my own words cast a spell of black magic upon me. The inner judge only allows the words that reinforce the “company line” to pass it’s filter. The judge is like the gatekeeper who only opens the gate to those who answer the questions in the right way. Negative judgments are allowed in whereas positive ones are turned away. For example, if the “secret word” for entering the gate is, “I’m ugly” then no matter how beautiful you are you’ll only hear “ugly” when at the gate of consciousness.
I also have this nasty little habit of condemning myself for not being perfect and this perfection varies by whatever standard I’m using at the moment in order to make the judgment. I feel trapped by this, both internally and externally, because the mask of perfection is there to keep me from being rejected by others but also keeps the reason for the mask itself in place e.g. the negative self-image–the idea that I’m not perfect and my inability to forgive myself for that. So I try to pretend that I am what I’m not. But what I think I am, that me I’m trying to hide, isn’t me either!
“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”
– Sir Walter Scott
And while in this web of deceit we can’t see what and who we are at all. These negative voices that claim to be us are like a virus that has taken over our bodies and minds and keep the real us imprisoned.
In part this process is called “domestication” and is practiced by our parents and the society within which we live. The process is designed to make us acceptable to others. This can be a survival skill, but has profound costs as well especially if you actually think that the “domesticated you” is the real you. Essentially, the process robs us of some of our vitality, our freedom, our authenticity, our creativity and our mental health. For example, those who exhibit a high degree of anxiety, stress and depression are often identified as being neurotic. The stress and anxiety come from being in a situation in which you feel constantly out of control and threatened while the depression is the result of thinking that you’ll never be in control.
When the psyche is trying to be what it is not it is stressful and anxiety producing because there’s no real safety behind the mask. There’s also no love there for love cannot live in judgment or in hiding. Love is an accepting process, not a rejecting process–it is open and inclusive not closed and exclusive. It cannot be expressed through fear because fear words are poisonous and the black magic of the non-loving mind. Fear words are the destroyer of the soul, of the spirit, and the holy. They trap you in a prison of the mind and keep you separate from the heart. They also rob you of the power and energy to control your own life and create your own destiny.
The words we use are like magic, they can uplift, they can free us, they can touch us in love, and unite us with each other and with the spirit, or they can separate us from our true nature, rob us of our sense of security and power, and divide us from each other and God. Be careful with your words–the words you use on yourself, or the words you use on others both directly or in gossiping, for all negative words hurt heard or not.
Be careful also with the words of others especially those that disunite, disempower, and separate you from truth. Be careful of what opinions you let through your gate for words have immense power for good or evil. If they uplift you and those around you, if they bring about a sense of security and love, if they treat all beings with respect and honor, then these words have the power to create a powerful and loving world. If they don’t, then you will experience a hell on Earth of pain, suspicion, fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hate, violence, insecurity, hopelessness and loss–pretty much what most of the world is already experiencing.
Be careful with words- listen carefully to the energy they produce e.g. negative or positive, empowering or disempowering, inclusive or exclusive–you get to choose to either run scared or stand confident, embrace life with love or reject with fear and hatred, go through the illusion of the negative or keep that gate firmly locked and guarded. It’s up to you, uh, me.